When a girl turns 28, she thinks she should be a woman by now. A woman is, as a wise man once told me, someone who appreciates what she has to offer the world. Someone full of grace, compassion, confidence, self-love. I like that definition. I’m far from it, but me likey.

Some women, like my sister, slip into this state naturally. I can’t help but envy her a little. I assume it is mostly genetic, because I can’t see how my parents raised her too differently. Or did it have to do with expensive, private education all the way? Or being raised in Asia for most of her life? shrug.

For others, like myself and C and E and H, we have to try harder. We have to overcome greater personal obstacles, like love/hate relationships with our moms and cold/hot fathers and rare physical problems and hormonal imbalances and inner demon shit. And an innate sense of curiosity. And the men, the poor men, we have to get used over seeing them cry.

Meanwhile, we grow more desolate as we watch those around us slip into womanhood and motherhood with seeming ease..

Euge mentioned the other day that I only blog when I’m emotionally turbulent. Guilty! But tonight, on a Saturday night alone at home (preceded by a Friday night alone at home and no social plans on Sunday) I don’t feel shaky. I feel removed. Numb. Deja vu.

of all the what if’s in life to choose from, the one i think about most is probably ‘what if i’d been poor’. what if my family hadn’t had enough money for all those piano lessons, the sashimi, the annual vacations, the brain surgery. would i have been a better person?

one of my favourite books as a teen was this super obscure chick lit novel called jennie. it’s about a wealthy but kind-hearted girl (jennie) who falls for a poor, handsome young doctor. she tries to disguise her wealth in front of him, though he learns about it soon after. but no matter how sweet or charitable she is, and how attracted he is to her, he just brushes her off (it’s for teens ok?) because he thinks she’ll never understand his world and he doesn’t want to be a part of hers. god this is starting to sound like gossip girl.

anyway the part i remember most was when he blew up at her for being spoiled and snobby. and jennie coolly replied, “you’re the snob. you wear your poverty like it’s a badge.”

virtues are virtues, i guess. no matter what’s in your bank account.

actually, it was an email from an ex. he told me to stop diving into relationships, to stop hurting guys, to think a bit more. he told me i was lost. (if only he could understand that dumping can suck as much as being dumped, sometimes more because you have to keep your sadness bottled up. it’s not cool to act hurt after you’ve dumped someone).

it’s been almost a week since that wake-up call from a bitter man but i can’t stop thinking about it. i’m not sure which parent to blame for making me such a fucking commitment-phobic nutcase, but even if i did know, then what?

i haven’t blogged in here for awhile; not cuz i’d forgotten about it or anything; not cuz i don’t care. quite le contrary. you know how sometimes you care so much about something or someone that you just..can’t deal with it the way you want to deep down. not right now anyway.

and then someone dies, or someone young falls terminally ill, or you listen to that song, and suddenly you remember fatality. mortality. that you too, like parents, are ageing.

so i blog while sobering up in a single hotel room in sing sing. i haven’t had my own hotel room since god knows when, still takes a bit of effort to think of it as a novelty though. these moments are nicer shared.

i went to a wedding this morning, and someone asked if i thought the couple were really in love. not going to answer that here. but makes me wonder (in paranoia), if i ever get married, will the guests scrutinize my body language and judge whether i made a mistake or not? jesus pressure and city hall!

i am so sad.

this blog ain’t dead, but i’ve been more active at a new page: alivenotdead.com/micearoni. it’s a bit like an asian myspace.

more day-to-day updates, less intimacy. reserving intimacy for offline.  you just never know these days, what with the chinese e-spying on foreign embassies sympathetic to the dalai lama.

if i never saw a headline, i’d think times were pretty damn good. clothes are 60% off, food’s cheaper, rent’s cheaper. i have no assets; my dollars go much further. my trip to london was reasonable. couple months ago i even got an teeny bonus, followed by an unexpected promotion. i even had a start date for the new job. like, what recession?

then this morning. “When we offered you the position, we were assuming a headcount from last year, when our financial situation was very different. Now I have to cut the headcount by one, so I’m afraid …”

even before i walked into my boss’ boss’ office, i had a sinking feeling something was wrong with my transfer situation. for one, calvin klein never, ever talks to me, and for two, my (unusually chipper) boss refused to tell me why calvin klein wanted to see me that morning.

so to put a long (think months’ worth of anticipation) story short, i’m not transferring. i know, i know already that it was a business decision and that better things await. but i was so stunned/upset after that meeting that i cried at work?!?! coulda been embarassing but no one saw me except the guard of some random apartment building i cried outside of. actually, that was embarassing.

i’m in singapore. it’s frucking hot. i’ve seen a few of you dear friends so far. i REALLY miss being able to talk to anyone in english (ie. taxi drivers. yes i’m one of those passengers..)

It takes some doubt to be certain

context: Life Is Wonderful

ps. unrelated, but on monday jason also sang this song he wrote about my colleague sunny, whom he’d met a few hours before the concert.

at a press conference she challenged him to compose a song about kidney beans (her nickname) and he jotted it down in his notebook. and actually sang this at his concert. beautiful..

OMG guess which california folkie i’m watching tomorrow night????

hats hats he has many hats